Today, I just want to stare at the world, give my mind a rest. A rest that I am hoping will make me forget everything of the last couple of months.
I became someone I myself surely will hate. I am sure I was not lost but I think we all have those little monsters inside of us. Mine are those irrational yellow little hopeful monsters. I have always tried not to invest too much emotions towards anyone especially, when it comes to relationships. I for a fact, find it really hard to trust others ( except for myself ).
Regrets will always have its own paragraph in every story. I was not a hundred percent into the whole drama but that one tiny detail had me broken. It could have been a better memory had I not been taken over by my little monsters. Now, I think I will hate myself for that for the rest of my life until I grow old, get Alzheimer's and eventually forget to hate myself.
Giving up was and still my forte. If you think that I am not brave enough, then do so. I was never good at relationships, or maybe at one point I was until I got tired of the drama it tags along. The problem with a person like me is I hate doing the drama with some other people. I do it on my own. If I have to cry, I make sure I cry on with my hands on my face. My hands. I always make sure my head is always over my heart. Funny how I really have to use the word heart.
In the past I have always denied myself of what they call happiness-in-the-arms-of-a-person-who-loves-you. Small tiny details that make me whine or simple gestures I cannot stand, I am definitely out the door. I am indifferent and impatient like that. I do not believe in falling super duper in-love that you look past everything. I do not do that.
What happened the last couple of months, I got too busy and let the little monsters in me do what they want. I got lost in gravity. Lost, because I have been doubting myself since day one. And every single day of it I knew, I knew what he was and what I was to him. I just shrugged it off because I know that I am smart enough to never go beyond that line. Until I got the phone call. I knew there would be a phone call, but this soon?
The phone call was my wake-up call. And it just smashed everything into my face. It made me the bad stupid person of the story. And the sad part is I got so shocked I just do not know how to react. I guess we all get to that point in our lives where something really bad happens to us and we get helpless and cannot do a single thing about it. I did not cry. Not this time. Here is how I describe it; after the call, I was like a computer which is hanging and pressing any button wouldn't do a thing about it. No, shutting down wouldn't do anything either. At that moment, when She called and told me who he was and what I was, bam! VACUUUUM ! I was in a vacuum. Everything was numb. All reason was gone. No logic left. I just got tired, tired of myself. If you are going to ask if I talked to him, no. What for? confirming or denying wouldn't do anything to me anymore at that time. Wouldn't change a thing either. I am still the bad stupid person.
Now I am tired. Just so you know, this was a draft a month old already, it is just now, a few hours to 2011, that I got to thinkof some more words to add here. I still do not know how to end this. Actually I don't think I could ever. I just want to forget. I know I will forget the person, could be in a few days, weeks, maybe in three months or in five years. Doesn't matter. But I will forget.
Cheers.
Happy new year to me.
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